How to Burn 8 Trillion Calories,

In just 45-minutes:

• Be elbow-deep in coupons, deciding that when you surface from the clippings, that you'll enter into your 'work-mode' (real work, the kind that pays).
• Look around at the mess in the playroom/office/family room. Breathe a sign of relief that no one has to see it.
• Be startled when the phone rings. Look at Caller ID & tinkle a little when it's the realty office.
• Try to not act surprised & panicked when the realtor says, "We'll be showing your house between 3 & 4."
• Look at watch, see the time of 2:07 pm.
• Say crap.
• Jump up & look around. Let out a fake cry.
• Briefly panic, but then realize you don't have time to panic.
• Text Jeff (text to email, yay!) & tell him the low down.
• Fight a case of I.B.S.
• Throw all said coupons (& trimmings) in nearby basket (same one used for drawing for tightwadmomma.com).
• Say crap.
• Yell to Flynn (a plead-yell) that you need all 472 pieces of train track back into the train table drawer.
• Plead w/ her to also pick up all pieces to Handy Manny's toolbox...and what all the babies...and the construction set...and the cars.
• Cry/yell/beg when she gets distracted on a piece that "won't come apart mom."
• Re-consider the whole showing.
• Clean downstairs bathroom, stack baskets of clean (yes Mom, clean) laundry in laundry room.
• Think to myself, wonder if they'll think this laundry is dirty.
• Move furniture to cover stains on downstairs carpet.
• Open blinds to hind 2-inch thick dust that lives on each one.
• Grab reusable shopping bag & stuff it full of weird odd stuff on table downstairs.
• Hear Mission Impossible music in my head.
• Laugh because this will be impossible.
• Cry because this will be impossible.
• Tell Flynn I'm glad she didn't nap.
• Straighten up shelves.
• Hide mess of receipts in box on shelf.
• Throw Christmas gift bag into closet & slam door shut.
• Realize that when they open the door to closet, it's all going to fall out.
• Shrug shoulders, no time to care.
• Move upstairs, look at kitchen table & say OUTLOUD (altho no one is around), "Oh, no."
• Get a timely phone call from Baby Lua's dad, tell him the deal & designate a pick up location just down the road.
• Clean up lunch dishes & crumbs.
• Wash Baby Lua's dishes.
• Clean counters.
• Clean sink.
• Pick up random plastic crate & start throwing homeless stuff in (you know, nose trimmers, etc.).
• vacuum out Baby Lua's booster.
• unbuckle it.
• vacuum out seat.
• cry.
• go to main bathroom & round up shedded hair (ew, gross, I know).
• wipe all surfaces.
• 'fluff' rug.
• see a random 'somethin or other' & kick it behind the door.
• Hear Baby Lua's "I'm awake please come get me!" cry.
• Final touches in bathroom.
• Wash hands.
• 'Rescue' Baby Lua from pack n play.
• Change her diaper, make her 'presentable.'
• Throw everything in Jeff's bathroom, under his sink (he might be a bit mad about that...one of said things is his TOOTHBRUSH).
• Look at watch, say OUTLOUD, "Oh my gosh, it's quarter 'til!"
• Glance across the hall at Flynn's room & growl, "There's PUZZLES ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!"
• Send her in to start picking up the puzzles.
• Throw random stuff from dresser INTO one of the drawers.
• Start folding up pack n play.
• Nearly faint of relief when hearing the sounds of Jeff coming in the door.
• Consider kissing his feet, but know there's no time for affection.
• Tell him to clean kitchen floor.
• Scratch head over what to do with laundry all over bed.
• Start folding said laundry, as it's no more trouble than ATTEMPTING to find a hiding place for it.
• Open Gabe's door, apologize ahead of time for turning on the light 1/2 way through his nap, then blind him w/ the overhead light.
• Look at his pale & surprised face & turn light back out.
• See Jeff finishing the puzzles with Flynn & thank God in my head that I married SUCH A STUD.
• Tell Baby Lua that I love her but that I can not hold her right now.
• Kick some of Jeff's clothes (on the floor) under his side of the bed.
• Join Jeff in Gabe's room, which won the award for MESSIEST of the DAY.
• Look at watch & announce to everyone, "It's almost 3!!"
• Round up Baby Lua's stuff & start carrying it to the van.
• Yell for everyone to "GET TO THE CAR!!!!! IT'S 3 O'CLOCK!!!!!!!"
• Take another once over, grab random stuff (including, but not limited to the plastic crate full of random homeless items).
• spray linen spray on the beds.
• turn on wisp flameless candles (see www.tightwadmomma.com for an awesome deal on those).
• make a pretend plot w/ Jeff to just sit in van in garage, while the kids watch a video.
• realize that giving someone a heart attack when they look in the garage & see a family in their vehicle, might not be a good selling tactic.
• laugh,
• because,
• only us.