Happy SEVENTH Birthday to my Baby Girl

Dear Baby Girl,

(who is not anywhere close to being a baby anymore but I don't care)

Today you turn seven.

I don't know if it's because you're not all that old, or if it's just sentiment, but I remember every conscious detail of the day you were born.

I remember packing a quick bag, getting the dog's stuff together, getting wheeled onto the labor & delivery floor and those really fast moving moments where we found out we'd be meeting you a whole lot sooner than we'd planned.

I also tearfully remember that next day when I had to kiss you good bye while you took an ambulance to a hospital in the city.

I remember making a promise to myself that I wouldn't have to tell you good bye again.

I remember your first Christmas... your first steps.... your first day of preschool... your first day of school...

I remember the first time you slept in a big girl bed & how little you looked.

I remember staring at your eye lashes & thinking they were so long brushing your chunky baby cheeks.

I remember the morning you told me that you wanted Jesus to live in your heart & how you wanted to be His friend.

This year you took on first grade & could add that to the long list of things you do well. And violin. And making your bed.

You enjoyed the beach again this past year & had your very first sleepover.

You raised money in your very own lemonade stand. Instead of keeping the money for yourself, you bought school supplies for kids who didn't have any. And never gave that a second thought.

You chose the color lavendar for the walls of your room in our brand new house.

Your training wheels came off your bike this past year & your "boyfriend" from last year became 'just' your "friend".

Sissy, you are such a special girl...with your curious quiet ways, your deep thought, your kind heart & mind full of questions.

You amaze me with your ideas & your selective sillyness & your hot-cold love for your little brother.

I pray this year brings you health and a heart full of love.

Love you to the moon & back again, five bajillion times.

Love,

Momma

Sick Ward

Stock in Tylenol & Motrin.......................................................................$50
Using a sick day........................................................................................$55
Loss of sleep..........................................................................................sanity
Flynn & Gabe letting me snuggle & hold them all day?.......PRICELESS

A Week Of Firsts

Holy cow. It's rapidly approaching.
My baby girl, leaving the nest, leaving Momma Bird, & spreading her little kindergarten wings.
You didn't think I could have this milestone approach & not blog & cry about it, did you?
Also leaving his Momma Bird is my little Baby Bird. You know, BABY Bird. The one who wants to stay in his Momma's nest - like - forever.

Also a first is Momma leaving her own nest & going back to the schoolhouse. Momma Bird is soo excited about this.
Not excited: Baby Birds not being with her everyday. All day.
Well, kind of.
Sort of.
Don't get the wrong idea.

Okay, so last week was the first week back in the classroom .... meetings, getting the classroom ready.
Bubs starting day care.
PS Bubs hates it.
PPS Bubs told everyone yesterday @ his party (& everyone today @ church) that HE LOVES HIM'S NEW 'CHOOL.
Him does NOT like it. Trust me. Just ask me. Just ask his teachers. Just ask everyone within a 10 mile radius on Friday when the teacher pealed him from my leg & shielded her ear as he shrieked,
"MOMMA!!!!! MOMMA!!!! DON'T YEAVE ME!!!!"

Then ask me again... about how I went to my car & cried. And cried. And cried.

We'll get through it tho! It's the summer of the Perrys! And all those times we were passed up for this & that, it's all sand in that hour glass. The times have come to us now.

I want to "publicly" (is a private blog ever considered 'publicly'?) give God all the glory for how He directs our paths. How he keeps them straight. And how He not only considers what's best for us -- but He does what's best for us.
Thank You Father for doing that.

Okay, You Look At this & Try Not to Cry

See?  I told you, IMPOSSIBLE.

And so, that's exactly what I did Tuesday.  Cried...and cried...and cried.  And I didn't care who saw me.

I used to be a closet cryer.  Actually, I didn't even cry in the closet.  I just rarely cried anywhere.  

And now?  Now that I'm a Momma?  I cry at everything....Hallmark ads....Johnson & Johnson commercials, you name it.

So imagine my floodgates opening up when my girl who used to make the cutest little "O" with her mouth when she was a baby, who bit her baby brother's toe when she was 1 & he was zero, who has managed to make me fall in love with everything about her (including her penchant for pink),

walked up to the microphone donning a paper grad cap and said,

"Thank You."

And when her BFF's name was called (one of the first) to receive her diploma, I went ahead & started sobbing.  Not just silent, subtle tears, but loud ugly sobs that made even Hot Hub's head do a jerk.

I might as well start stockpiling kleenex for kindergarten.  Less than 90 days to find the perfect waterproof mascara.

Wish me luck.

The Cute Things They Say

Yesterday, right in the middle of drawing & writing, Flynn pipes out,
"Thomas really is a useful engine."

We scored big not only with Madagascar 2 from the Redbox, but also with a code to rent it free. Gabe watched it only once & had already mastered the song. Right before dinner, a tune (with a good beat that you can really dance to) came on the radio & I of course, started busting a move. Gabe, an apple that doesn't fall far, joined me in the jive. That kid can really move... anywho, his moves were accompanied by his own song,
"I wike ta moob it moob it...I wike ta moob it moob it..."
Now that's funny (esp if you heard it with your own ears) but not quite as funny as later, when Jeff started to agg him on, "Hey Gabe, I like to move it move it....I like to move it, move it...I like to move it, move it...I like to-"
and Gabe came in with the big ending,
"MOOB IT!"

Heading to one of our many weekend adventures (I actually think it was church), Flynn beckoned to me from the backseat,
"Hey Mom?"
ME "Yes?"
FJ "Do I have to grow up & get big?"
ME "Yep, we all grow older."
FJ "'Cause I just want to stay your baby."
If she only knew how much I wish it could be that way.

Flynn took a quick trip to Schnucks with her daddy this evening. She had the brain power enough (compensating for her parents?!) to remind daddy that momma had run out of cinnamon earlier today while making heart-shaped tortilla crisps.

Did I mention that Gabe calls Mrs. Schmittgens, 'Micka Mickens'? Because everytime I hear him say it, I get a serious sharp ache in the pit of my empty uterus.

And when I laid him down for his nap today, he caught me trying to make my routine quick escape,
"MOMMA!? -- Me wun give you hug."

I think they're keepers.

I Am Thankful

Maybe even more than last year. Definitely more than 10 years ago.

So very thankful.

Thankful for...

Flynn stopping me as I walked out of her dark bedroom last night, to say I love you just once more.
Gabe running into Daddy's arms yesterday & laughing until he was out of breath.
Feeling the warmth of Jeff's arms around me & knowing that I am blessed.

Happy 5th Birthday Flynn

minutes old

November 19, 2003, the day you made me a momma

5 months old

Your first Easter, 2004

14 mos old

Daddy's birthday, your 2nd January, 2005

17 mos old

Your 2nd Easter (& a few short mos before becoming a big sis), 2005

2 years old

playing doctor

2 1/2 years

4th of July 3 1/2 years
on vacation at the beach

4 1/2 years

first time on the west coast

Dearest Flynn,

I can't believe this day has come. When you were tiny, I used to think about this day & how 'five' was so big & how far off in the distance this birthday was.

Well, it's not far off in the distance now. It's here. And I can't believe how fast it got here.

I'm probably more emotional than I should be about this particular birthday; but to me it means the end of anything-baby, it's the official end to your preschoolhood (even though you are still in preschool) as five typically means the beginning of school. (don't even get me started on that, I don't have enough tissue for that)

You could not be more of what I wanted & hoped in a daughter. Really. You are so smart. Incredibly clever. With your big dark eyes & matching lashes. You don't seem to care what anyone thinks about your ideas & the things you want. You think outside the box. The movies you ask for, the things you want to do in your spare time, they aren't typical for little 5-year old girls....and I like that.

You have faith that can move mountains. You ask questions that I would need a theology degree to answer. A couple of months ago, you asked who was bigger, 'God or Jesus?'. You regularly pray that God would heal you of your allergy, and I know that in His timing, He will honor that.

Your latest obsession is babies. If you spy one, you say, "Ohh!!!!" You love to hold them & rub their hair & help take care of them. It makes Daddy & I question our timing of having your baby brother when you were still a baby (far before this love of baby stage).

You have a deep love for your family, particularly your cousins. Your normal sibling rivalry always makes way to wanting to please Bubby. Recently when we were having lunch with friends, you gave Bubs your seat after he cried five minutes to sit where you were sitting.

You have great friends. Lots of them. And grow close to each friend you have.

When asked what your profession will be as an adult, you still consistently waiver between "a doctor" & "a firefighter". And with the strong traits you have, I believe either of those could be a reality.

This year, you traveled further than you ever had. To California! And you experienced a plane ride for the very first time. You also learned what it means to miss someone & ask about your girl cousins across the country, at least once each day.

You just changed preschools. This would be traumatic for lots of kids, but not you. You kept with your go-with-the-flow attitude. You love the new place, especially being in a class with your best friend Madelyn.

You love church. On Saturday nights, when we're laying clothes out for the next day, you & Gabe squeal, "church tomorrow! church tomorrow!" You love your teacher who always makes sure the snack is a safe (& fun!) one. You spend quite a lot of time there at church as we're one of the first ones there & one of the last ones to leave. But it seems like no prob to you & Bubs who make it pure play just going up & down the long halls.

Nine months ago, you asked me how babies are made. I was dumbfounded & completely not ready for such a question for sure. And my quick (& untelling) answers weren't enough for you, you kept wanting the truth & more of it.

One thing I can really appreciate at this point in our lives is what a 'good' girl you are. I ask it & you do it. You rarely ask twice. Being around so many other kiddos, I see what a comodity your obedience is. Thank you!

You are loved everywhere you go. And especially here at home.

When you came into this world, I thought my heart would burst with love. And nothing has changed...

except,

there's even more of it now.

Flynn, I pray blessings on your sixth year of life (fifth birthday starting your sixth year). I pray that your attitude would continue to be positive. That your love for others would be abundant. I pray that you know no sadness this year but if you do, it leaves you a better person. I pray that what you know about God would grow in enormous amounts & that your relationship with Christ would be stronger & stronger. And that you will keep telling other people about Him. I pray that because He's promised us such, that this will be the year that you don't know the fear of dying or becoming sick from what you're given to eat. That this will be the year that your little body is strong & healthy & whole.

I pray that your bright eyes don't lose their twinkle & your pouty lips keep kissing the people you love.

And like I pray every other year, that you don't lose the huge zeal that you have for everything you do. That mundane will never set in & that each thing you do doesn't seem done until you've given it your all.

More importantly that you will know that everything you do makes me & daddy proud. And that you are so special, no matter what.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl....

More love than you will understand for a long long time,

Momma

My Baby Girl

Don't remind me that in 5 short days, the first baby I grew will be FIVE YEARS OLD.

She is more delightful that I could've ever imagined, and with cuteness to match.

I try to hit the pause button everyday.

Bubs the Preschooler

Dear Bubby,

I have no photos of you starting your very first day of preschool today. This time it's not because you're the second kiddo & sometimes the second, third, etc., kiddo has way less photos than the first. This time it's because you weren't supposed to start today.

You see, it was supposed to only be Flynn's first day. And you were supposed to start next week. But when we went to your room-to-be to meet your teacher-to-be and check out the things that you'll be playing with & learning, well, you ran right in. You sat right down. You listened to the story being read & said, "Me have that at MY house!" And then, you yelled to me (standing in the doorway, watching your every move), "BYE Mom!"

And I look shockingly at the teacher & she laughed & said, "I think he wants to stay! He can if you want."

I didn't know what to do, so I looked at her & said, "Are you SURE?" (& what I was really doing was asking MYSELF if I was sure). And she assured me that it was no problem.
Then I looked at you, taking it all in. Looking so big in your fresh haircut. And so, I filled out the necessary paperwork, promised the director another check, kissed you & told you to be a good listener, and headed out the door.

WOW, it is SUPER quiet without the two of you. It's only been an hour but I already miss you.

I love you Bubby. But please slow down on the growing up thing. Okay?

Love,
Momma

Her Sweet Little Heart

We were on our way to dance class last night when Flynn says in the sweetest voice,
"Mom, I want Jesus in my heart."
And what Momma doesn't melt from that?
"Well Flynn, a while back you said a prayer & invited Jesus into your heart to be your friend forever. But do you wanna say it again?"
"Yes."
And so we did. And she repeated after me.
And let me tell you....there's nothing cuter/sweeter/more precious, than hearing your baby of 4 years saying, "Come into my heart & be my friend forever."

3 Years Ago...

This:

was about to become this:

Happy almost birthday to my baby boy, Gabe

and to Baby Jack.

Gabe's So Cute

The progress on his speech is exciting, but I really will miss the part of his childhood where his lack of language was sheer endearing.

Like when we're out & about (which happens quite often these days) & he sees something we have here at our house... say a certain toy, he gets extremely excited & starts shouting, "HOME! HOME!!"
(then I try to stretch that & say, "Yes! We have that at our home.")

He LOVES to sing. And he LOVES Spiderman. Which is perfect because it gets him to practice his S. Which he just altogether omits...
"'pidaman, 'pidaman, you 'iendly, 'eighb-a-ood 'pidaman."

And by the way, how did he learn about "Pidaman"? Save for a pair of underoos, the kid has never seen the webbed wonder. Well, at Alex's bday party. But for real, how in the world did he come about such a love for the hero?

Gabe's favs:

• 'Piderman
• trains
• WonderPetz (again, has only seen 3 of the videos & can't get enough of Ming-Ming)
• Momma
• chocolate soymilk
• singing
• church
• horses
• bubbles
• coloring w/ markers
• paint
• sand
• peeing on trees (learned while camping & had a hard time understanding that we don't do that at home)
• doing somersaults (or 'forward rolls' as they're dubbed in acro)
• his buddies Trey & Owen
• the colors green & blue (& purple if you're talking popsicles)

Doesn't so much like:

• swimming
• cold foods (except of course, for the choc milk)
• his car seat (too bad, Bubby!)
• being told what to do
• going to sleep
• sitting still
• being told what to do
• sitting still

I can't believe that in a little over one month, my baby will be branching from toddler to preschooler. Makes me sad. So many stages we've left behind. But lots of fun ones ahead!

I Was the Bridesmaid With the Big Hair and the Big Kleenex

When my sis married my bro-in-law, I was 15. I was a brat. I was obnoxious, opinionated, gutsy, & would do anything on a dare.
I was also crazy about my sister. She was (& still is) my BFF. So, on the day she married, & was to move 10 hours away, I was a mess.
The bouquet I carried hid a big wad of snotty tissue. And I cried so hard during the ceremony that my head can be seen shaking in the wedding video.
When they left for good, I was so silly that I'd sleep in her bed. I missed her so much. I even missed fighting with her (which we were EXCELLENT at).

Not much has changed. She's moving away again. And I'm a mess.
But this time, I don't miss her - as much - as those nieces of mine. Who have not just won my heart, but won the hearts of their uncle & their two biggest admirers - F & G.

Today was our last hurrah together. An outing together. A picnic. And a really brief good bye. To be honest, it was as if God was taking control of the little situation - He brought a nasty storm over the park where we were eating lunch, & clapped what could be the loudest crash of thunder, & poured an extra-large bucket of huge-droplet rain on us. We had no choice but to be brief in our good-byes. Even when I didn't want to let go of the tiny waists I was squeezing, I was forced to, on account of rain streaming down our backs.
It all happened so fast, little Flynn didn't have time to comprehend it all. She was hugged, kissed, & tear-fully told she was loved. All in a milli-second. She knew she was sad....about having to leave the park after only 15 minutes there...and telling 'her girls' good bye. She saw us all sad, fast, soppy hugs -- and my face contort into what could be the ugliest crying face you've ever seen.
So she burst into a fit. And couldn't contain herself. She cried & cried & bawled & refused to fasten herself in. And yelled to me that "I CAN NOT BE WET. MY FEET ARE WET. MY SHOES ARE WET. I DID NOT WANT TO BE WET!!!!!!!!"
It was ridulous. And she knew it. She searched for a reason for her being upset.
And so, pulling out onto a busy road, and re-collecting myself, I could only call back to her tell her that I couldn't deal with her ridiculousness with me having other things to be upset about.

She seemed to understand where I was coming from. And a few seconds later, it kinda came together for her...

"I need to know when I am spending the night with Aunt Gi again."

I know what you mean Flynn.

In Case There Was Any Question

I'm crazy about my nieces.
Read below the email sent to my eldest niece (note: keep kleenex handy)

Dearest Pookie Sr,

I'm afraid this is goodbye. I figured the other day when Papa picked "yous" up, I wouldn't be seeing you again before you & your dad take out Sat a.m. But I didn't say anything cuz I didn't want to have to do an official good bye. I would've just gotten a red/swollen-eyed & my nose turns red like Nana's. Or A Allie's. Either one. And Flynn would've gotten upset & then every single human being in the world would fall prostate in tears, if Flynn would've cried. Big brown eyes w/ giant crocidile tears (all of a sudden, I can't spell crockidile/crocadile/crockadile/crotchdial).

It's all too familiar a scene ---- not too different from the one 17 years ago, when we came to see you on your BIRTHday. I remember how hard that was to tell you good bye (funny, I was 17 then too!) & how hard we all cried. Up until that point, I pretty much only loved myself but then you won the place in my heart & at that point, I loved no one else as much as you.
When Papa & I said good bye & both shed a few tears (him one, me one thousand), we drove off out of Clio & I cried & cried & cried. And Papa patted me & said, "You alright sugar?"

I hope you're only gone a few years this time too. So pls make a pact w/ me. NO GETTING MARRIED OUT THERE & NO SETTING UP ROOTS OUT THERE. You hear? You might have been born in MI & headed to CA, but MO is your home.

So take this as my good bye. You'll always be my Thumper, so don't be gone too long. Blow the horn all the way there. Make us proud. Quit growing up. You're beautiful, hope you know how much. (can you tell, lots of snippets of advice here) Always keep God #1. I couldn't be more proud of you. Smile, Jesus love you. Puppets forever. (sorry, gotta keep it real)

Love, love, love YOU! See you Soon.

Love,
Meme

Happy Father's Day

To the Daddy who made me a Momma I say thank you.

The best gift I've ever received...

And to my Dad I say thank you for helping to shape me into the Momma I am today.

I always say that I hope my kids know just how lucky they are...to have such great men in their lives.

Happy Father's Day!

One Tough Cookie = Big Sis

I figured I had better blog this before I forget....



With us putting the floor in, there were a few different times the kids & I absolutely had to make a break for it. To get us out of Daddy's hair & to give them the chance to burn some pent-up energy.

One morning in particular, when PeePaw came over to help, I recognized the need (for all parties) for us to vacate the premises.

We went to Walgreens, wherein the children (who by the way, don't fit so well together in a walgreens cart) played like the monsters from WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE. They showed there terrible teeth & their terrible claws & made mischief in the seasonal aisle. Giant rubber balls bounced high & knocked large clocks (I know!, a big clock in a aisle full of sprinklers??!) onto their backsides. Large singing rubber ducks got cleared from their spot into Gabe's skinny two year old grip.

By the end of our trip there, I realized that the energy being expeled was mine. Gabe ran from my side into the parking lot, where my heart was swallowed by my stomach. In an attempt to grab his shoulder, shirt, anything, my finger nails (the only part of my grip not used up by my 4 bags of purchases) scratched his neck & drew blood.

Ugh!, I felt so bad. He cried so hard. I had to make it right....

"We'll head to the park!!"

But the wind & ominous skies started to blow something nasty in & I had no other choice.

McD's playplace.

Ugh.

Remember the ranch dressing??

I looked at the clock in the car. 9:44 am. How many kids could be there w/ dripping nuggets?
I told the kids as we approached the restaurant, "Momma's not totally sure we're staying because we're really here to return a video to the Redbox."

When we got in there, only one kid was there. I approached the area & it looked clean.

I also noted a sign with MUST WEAR SOCKS (available for purchase at counter). I looked down at my kids' croc-clad feet, no socks in sight. So, after getting my kids settled at the playplace, I sauntered toward the counter to purchase said socks & we happily played for the next 45 minutes.

What seems to be a trend is the grandmas who babysit their grandchildren & then proceed to take them to a playplace & then allow their wicked grandchild to terrorize the other kids while granny takes a break & reads or sits in a vegitative state.

Meanwhile, I watch my kid like a hawk so that they don't so much as breath a rule-breaking breath.

So, the terror-of-the-day was a little boy, about 4 or 5 - taller & stockier than either of my petite two. He reminded me of the tasmanian devil, flying through the tunnel at warp speed, knocking into kids, then running on with an evil smile upon his face. He slid down the slide behind Flynn who jammed her finger at the bottom of the slide. Flynn cried, which is rare, so I knew it hurt. And as he inched by her & peered down at her finger, he gave out a hearty laugh.

What I really wanted to do was to reach across & grab his cheshire grin & give it a squeeze. But I didn't get all hand that rocks the cradle on him.

Instead I gave him a little lesson in manners, "It's NOT funny when someone's hurt. QUIT LAUGHING."

And then I tripped him when he was walking away.

Just kidding.

Not really.



So, I was not surprised when I saw his mean shadow lurk through the tunnel toward the direction of my two.

And then heard, echoing through playland,

"HHEEEEEEEEEY! You do NOT push MY BROTHER!!!!!"

And soon after, the greasy little brat followed down after my two. They were in a strong embrace like they'd just survived the frightening rapids of the mighty Mississip.

The little (mean) boy, who incidentally reminded me of "Randal" on Monsters, Inc., followed them down. He looked at me, once he reached the ground, almost as if he expected me to say something to him.

But I think my girl took care of the situation.



She repeated the scenario to me once she got to where I sat proudly. I just nodded & smiled. But later, I wanted to make a bigger deal out of it. So when I laid beside her at "light nap", I told her of my pride,
"Flynn, when you defended Bubby today at playplace, Momma was so proud of you. That is your job, to take care of your brother. And it made me happy."

She looked at me, glad I giving her the props she deserves & figured she had better say a thing or two,
"He was mean & he was icky. He started to push us. And we started to fall....
and we grabbed each other....
and were falling...."

SILENCE

SILENCE

"falling...

falling in love."

And I started to laugh. And, when she should've been napping, we laid there giggling.

The Bragmeister

Yep, that's me.
Like every other mom, I think the stuff that flies from my kids' mouths (save for vomit & chewed up food) is STELLAR & hilarious & intelligent.

So, here's the part where I document it because we all know that momma's brains become mush & there's so little we remember. And I don't want to forget a thing.

Yesterday, we were outside in the 85 degrees playing our little hearts out. I grabbed us bottles of cold water. Flynn unscrewed hers & started chugging away. She took a breather & said, "Phew. This is sure refreshing on a hot day like today."
I laughed & laughed & tried to burn it into my brain. But apparently, at dinner when I retold it to Jeff, I was a little bit wrong & she corrected me. Because she has a snap shot brain like her dad's; wherein she remembers quotes of movies & quotes of herself.

Some other noteworthy things I've heard her say in the last few days:

"Mom, this is amazing."

"I'm mad at you. I'm going to turn around so you can't see me." (don't explain to her that just because she can't see me that I can't see her)

"Oh look at bubby. What a cute little baby."

"Mom, you know this picture where Bubs is in your tummy & I'm kissing it? Was he born the next day?"

"Pink is my favorite color. I reeeeally like it."

"Mom, I do NOT like riding in the cart."

"I don't like having long hair. I want to get mine cut."

"Momma, would you call Grammy & tell her that I like going to her house?....
I want to spend the night with her. Mom, next time can I spend more than one dark nap there? And go to Nana's too?
I like both of those places....
can I spend THREE NIGHTS at both of those places?
I like spending three seconds at places (somehow nights converted into seconds), I never get to. I want to." (I think Grammy & Nana would prefer 3 seconds over 3 nights anyway)

And, I can't brag on my girl, without bragging on my boy.........................

Who thinks the word for DOG is "Woocy" (woocy = Lucy, Grammy's dog)...I think this is due to the fact that he knew her as a baby, before he got exposure to any other dogs.
He even calls a hot DOG a woocy.

Pee-Pee Pot is what he dubbed sitting on the potty, a long time ago. So much for the 'correct' words we taught Flynn (restroom, etc.). I have a feeling he's not going to use the anatomical terms that we use around here.

The bedtime routine is completely dictated by him. Typically, Daddy tucks him in, I tuck in Flynn. He tells daddy, "Down" for him to put his head on Gabe's pillow. And when he's tired, he'll just cut things short & say "Go" or "Bye" & point to his door.

He rides his horse & yells "YEE-HAWWWWWW!!" I need to get him boots & a hat.

He sings Itsy Bitsy Spider & Twinkle Twinkle...and bless his pea-pickin' heart. All I have to say is thank God he can carry a tune. Otherwise, I'm not totally sure we'd understand what song he is singing.

He knows his colors, has for a while now, but we're just now getting to the point of understanding which color is which. For a while, everything sounded like BLUE.

And, we're sooo close to be officially trained. He has been in undies during all his waking hours, all week. And save for Tues., where he both poo'ed AND pee'ed in his undies (numerous times) for my BFF who was visiting, he has done excellently. He yells "PEE PEE POT!!!!!!!!" and takes off trucking down the hall to the bathroom. I figure we'll save a good $40 each month (cable/satelite anyone?, just kidding) once he's fully trained. Of course, this week, what we've saved in diapers, we've spent on water to wash the bajillion soiled underwear. Or to replace the pair I *CUT* off of him & threw away.
Let's just say, some stuff should never go through the washer. ;)

May 16th

Was the due date for the baby I was pregnant with between Flynn & Gabe. Flynn was only 8 months old when I got pregnant & even though we were 'open' to pregnancy at that point (we were wanting to have babies close together & with my lack of ovulation, we figured the best way to do that was to start trying right away after baby Flynn was born), I was pretty surprised to have gotten pregnant without "trying" (clomid, progesterone, glucophage, ovulation calendars/predictors, etc.). And sometimes with the surprise of a pregnancy, comes the unappreciation of it.

We were happy as larks that we were already going to have another (especially with little effort of 'making' that baby) & I seemed to be unstable about those emotions. One minute I'd be on cloud 9, the other I'd be in sheer panic, consulting everyone I knew who had babies 18 months apart.
I recall standing in the water sports aisle at Target. They were marking down all their life preservers, beach toys, swim gear --- which is the time we buy all our stuff for the following summer. Flynn was still considered an infant & so we were deciding (since she was so tiny), if she'd still be wearing infant stuff the following year.
I started to cry, at the overwhelming thought of having TWO babies in the pool that following summer.

I think back to that often. It's one thing I can't get out of my mind as to how I wasn't positive about EVERY single thing having to do with that baby.

So, when I lost that baby, don't you know -- I beat myself up in guilt about all those little moments that I wasn't high as a kite on the thought of the little one growing inside me.

What a hard thing to know life, love that life within you, make plans for that life.... then, just like the moment you learned about that baby, you are losing that baby. And there's nothing you can do.
I've had some pretty tough things happen in my life & have felt complete helplessness in those situations; but nothing like losing the life within you.

The doctor referred to the baby I was losing as a 'fetus', 'tissue', etc. But anyone believing in God-created life, the moment it begins, knows that the instant that baby is thought into existance by our heavenly father, it is a life...a person...a part of your family.

Being a mother losing a baby is a very strange role to be in. And you don't quite know your job in all of it. But grief.

I remember the moments I realized that it was happening -- and called my sister to tell her. It just hurt so much. And I couldn't stop it.

And that night, Jeff held me as I cried myself to sleep.

But was comforted when I remembered that someone hurt about it, just as much as I did. My Father, who was allowing it to happen, was also hurting with me. He was wiping away my tears but no doubt shedding His own.
He knew exactly what it was like to lose your child.

We were of course never sure if that baby was to be our baby girl, or baby boy. But both Jeff & I agreed we felt like the baby was another girl.

And like all hurts, the sting fades just a little bit over time. But didn't quite feel like it was hurting less until my friend brought me a framed drawing. It is a picture of Jesus, holding a baby in an embrace. Just like we would've held that baby. Loving the baby, breathing in the baby, looking at the baby.

I was so comforted by the visual reminder that was the reality. And that when we get to heaven, we'll have a member of the family waiting there. A child we never got to meet here will be waiting for us. But until I'm there to mother that baby, to hold her in my arms like I got to hold my other babies, Jesus will be holding her.

All I Want For Mother's Day

....is still asleep, lying in their beds.
And I can honestly say, that I think I'm the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. If my life ended today, I for sure have everything I've ever wanted & my life is complete.

This was our first "baby". And I have to say that in this case, puppies are a bit more difficult than human babies. Marley went to a new home when Flynn was one & we learned of her severe dog allergy.

This was Jeff & I at the House of Blues, our last trip without a kid in tow (well, one was in tow, but the 'easy' way). We were waiting in line to see Ziggy Marley.

When Flynn was born, via emergency C-section, I got to briefly hold her while they wheeled us back to recovery (in the bed). I didn't get to hold her again (except for a brief moment where I unsuccessfully tried to nurse her but she wasn't interested since she couldn't breathe), until she was a week old, & freshly off 1/2 her wires & tubes.

I'll never forget that moment, EVER. We were finally getting to bond & I'll always remember how our eyes locked & she gazed at me until she fell asleep.

We were so excited when we came in the morning of this photo, and she was wearing only her heart monitor. We knew we were one step closer to bringing our baby girl home!

Happy First Bday Flynn!

My very swollen & very pregnant (8 mos) belly, with our boy bakin' away inside.

We meet Gabe.

Flynn meets Gabe.


It was so surreal to me the night after I had Gabe. Being able to actually have my baby with me! I didn't sleep for like days after I had him.

This was one day when Flynn was at Nana's. I spent the whole afternoon playing with Gabe. When you're the 2nd kid, you're not real familiar with uninterrupted time with your Momma.

When Flynn was 8 months old, I was pregnant again. We lost that baby. Now we can anticipate being reunited with him or her in heaven.

Life's not easy when you're a mom. You'll never be the same. Your heart gets broken. You don't go long between cries. You find yourself a lot more tender than you were before. But it's a change I thank God for. The hard work of taking care of 2 little people who can't take care of themselves, the loud house, then toys everywhere. I wouldn't trade them for the world.



And now, these handsome kids seem to be all my life has known. What a blessed life with them.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom, to my mom in law, to all the women who are blessed to be a momma.

She Said She Wants to Get Her Ears Pierced

What's next?, Prom?!

For now I'll settle for her being a princess ballerina.

Being dainty.

Appreciating a good dance partner.

And loving her best friends.