There's change beyond the horizon for the Perrys. I write this must more positively than I previously thought of it.
When the discussion began, I was a mess. I was so scared for Flynn. But I prayed. And we prayed. And we tried to trust. And we asked more people to pray. And we trusted some more. And I'd like to say that I've 'given it over to God'.
You see, when I married a teacher, it was pretty much assumed that this would always be a two-income family (& I don't just mean his two jobs). And to tell you the truth, I was never one of those girls who esteemed to be a stay at home mom. I had nothing against that lifestyle, it was just never a goal of mine. I worked pretty hard at earning all my degrees & by golly, I'd use them.
Then we had Flynn. And we found out she had such a severe allergy. And when I realized that not only could she die if accidentally handed the wrong milk, or snack, but for crying out loud, if her neighbor at the day care table spilled
his milk, she'd have a reaction from that as well; well, you would be right by assuming this made me panic.
When I went back to work when Flynn was a baby (6 mos), before we knew of her allergy, poor Grammy was watching her when she had - what was probably her very first anaphylaxis. Only, we had no clue. None of us knew a thing about food allergies. And when Grammy gave her a bottle, of breast milk mixed with formula (I was in a week-long conference & couldn't pump as much as this baby drank), her eye swelled, she began a series of sneezes, wheezed, then vomited more than she drank. After that, she went right to 'sleep' & slept for hours.
We had no clue.
So, when it just got too hard to get family to watch her, here & there, (along w/ a gamut of other complaints about the job), we decided I would just stay home & babysit.
I did stay home & babysat, for the next two years (which I did until one year ago, exactly, to the day). Along with being on staff at church, which I still am. I also sell some things on eBay when I can. Sold all our college textbooks & any other book we finish or that is collecting dust. I do any
odd job that pays enough, I use coupons &
rebates, I gladly accept hand-me-downs & cast-offs, & when the warm weather hits, you can find me every Saturday morning (before the sun rises), at every 'good' garage sale in the area.
Do I
like doing these things? Meh, not really. Do I
need to do these things? Yep.
For the last four years, our life has been a series of being broke, barely making it, & having to be content with the bare bones (by the way, there is
nothing wrong with living with just the necessities, I almost like it). It's been wondering if there'll be enough in the account to cover the bills that are due. Or even conversations like, "Don't buy
anything until payday, even gas." A few weeks ago, I had to take cash from my wallet, to deposit into the checking account so a bill would pass through.
It gets old I tell ya.
I've had to do lots of praying for contentment & have also had to force myself not to wallow in pity. I had to fight back the thought that we've worked hard for our educations, are currently paying for those educations, and why, by golly, do we have to struggle.
But you know what? It has been worth the struggles. Not only has this scenario lent itself to the reassurance that Flynn is in a safe environment each & everyday, is here in case something happens (so that we can rely on
my judgement rather than a daycare teacher's), but I've had this
sweet, precious opportunity to be here, almost everyday, & have seen every inch my babies have grown. I heard every grunt, every sound, some days - to my distress - every cry. I never had to wonder if the babysitter just didn't tell me that Gabe took his first steps, so I'd think when I saw them later that evening at home, that I'd witnessed his very first step. I never had to wonder if Flynn's diaper was changed often enough, or if she had to cry herself to sleep at nap, if she was sat in front of a tv all day, or if the toys she played with were germ laden.
And when one of the kids was sick, Jeff & I didn't have to stress or argue about "Can you take off this time? I took off last time."
I got to be in
MOPS. Flynn has had play dates. And story time at the library. Gabe has gotten to run the roads with me while Flynn is in preschool. The kids have gotten to dictate their own schedule, stay in their pjs 'til late morning, bake muffins for breakfast, play with their own toys, take naps in their own beds, and when they've gotten hurt - or been sick, it's momma that's there to comfort them.
I say all that in order to thank God again for the last four years of bliss. It was a gift I never asked for & sometimes those are the best gifts. A surprise in a package.
But last month in a series of bad snippets of news (called reality) - combined with a burning desire to move within the next 18 months, we had to once again reevaluate the situation. Anyone who doesn't believe that God
literally provides can take a look at our finances. We have a ton of debt. You know that commercial where the guy displays all his cars & his home, then says through his teeth, "And I'm swimming in a sea of debt"? -- that's us. We're certainly not being irresponsible right now in our lifestyle. But, like I said, five years ago, we never dreamt we'd be a one-income family. And the medical bills - oh the medical bills. Flynn's on about four meds per month, me three, Jeff two. Gabe, thankfully, just hits the vitamins.
Somehow, we have $1,000 more going out, than in. How does that work? I really don't know. But it does. And we never miss a bill. We never starve. We always pay our tithing. And we never manage to miss a birthday or leave anyone out on Christmas.
So, we decided it was time. It was really really time. And with tears in our eyes, we considered a decision that for four years now we've shuddered at.
Are we all of a sudden lowering our standards for Flynn's safety & care?
No, sirree Barbara.
However, we've happily given thought that perhaps her
sensitivity has slightly decreased. Along with how overjoyed we've been with her new preschool & how safe & loved she's been there. The fact that, hey, that situation has worked out -- maybe other situations could work out. Not to mention, they do have an extended day & by golly, I trust her teachers!
Do I have a clue how this will work out? Nope. And, being the control freak, planner, need to know right this very minute how the next year of my life will be... well, this not-knowingness, it's downright
killing me.
But this I know, in the book of Matthew (in the bible), it says this:
25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.Hey, read that again in my current favorite version, the message:
25 -26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
27 -29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
30 -33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. So, the journey has begun, along with I'm sure - the good variety of emotions I'll no doubt experience -- as I make this transformation from Life & Times of Life at Home to Life & Times of Life Wherever.In lieu of a ticket, this ride will only cost you prayer. For me. For the job God has in store for me. For Flynn's safety when she's in someone else care. For ease in Gabe's transition from being with the Momma he loves, to learning to love someone else 10 hours each day. Pray that our home will be harmonious despite the change in atmosphere (& atmospheric pressure). And although many many homes are lovely & wonderful & work perfectly with mom at work all day, it will be different here. Just different. But I hope better. There will be less stress.
I will journal my journey. And this is entry one. And if you've read this far, congratulations...
Snowball sleeps with Flynn at naps & at night time.
She goes to school & to church with us (& stays in the car).
